Friends, eh?

Um hello.
So okay the most thing I do to this blog is, well, abusing it with these words of misery that I couldn't hold much into contempt.
Misery is a big word.

My whole life I've never thought or foresee myself to be having troubles making friends.
Or, keeping close ones. I failed.

It's so hard knowing that you've done all that you could, sacrificing all that you have, just to ended up with well, getting hurt.

The worst feeling in the world has got to be not having a person to share your sad story, or happy ones.
Imagine that you've gone through a really good day, couldn't wait to go home and share it. but dude wait, who're are you sharing it with? Jokes on you.
Or, picture this, having to be in a circle of people who you thought, would lasts throughout the semesters, graduating together, and heck being bridesmaids at each other's wedding?

To be honest, I foresee all that, well, 'expecting' is the actual proper word.
I'm not really sure which one hurts most, the fact that no one is telling you what you did wrong, or the fact that they just decided that you couldn't really fit it. I really don't know.
But to go through everyday, listening to them joking around laughing with that circle of group that used to 'fit' you in it. God, it gets annoying everyday. Bcos hey, that used to be you in there, laughing along with them. Sounded so surreal now everything you used to have with them, went aloof.
and oh, tear me up at times of PMS. screw you stupid PMS. Not that I didn't try, I did. But what should I do really,  when you asks them something, trying to be 'friendly' only to have your unimportant questions be ignored. I feel dumb, frankly I did. It's not worth the effort, when you get treated like shit at the end of the day. At least it felt like it.

And so they tell you the worst experience thought you the best lessons.
Couldn't yet to grasps that.
Or foresee little parts if it. But hey, it thought me to do things on my own.
Though most parts of it left you in the most vulnerable state of loneliness, there are times where that 'loneliness' set you free. It's hard to put it in words, experience is after all, the best teacher.

I just wish that one fine day, things will get better. I know for sure that He had set apart what is best for me, maybe to teach me more patience, I don't know, but for all that's worth, I have my uppermost faith in Him, in shaa Allah :') and I will continue to pray to him till the right 'friends' appear. Maybe now is not the right time, maybe I need to polish myself more to deserve the best. Or maybe He had already circled me with the right people, I've just yet to discover which or who or whom. For now, I'm gonna just appreciate what I have and had, and the experiences that came along with it. It's sure to be worth a lot.

Feels good to write. I love you blog <3 nbsp="">

Ignore. You don't need to read any of this.

I have never trust myself with anything, I lied a lot, to myself of course just to feel better.
It helps sometimes. I write, I'm not good at writing.

But a very wise teacher taught me, that writing is a passion.
You write from your heart, so I did.

From the bottom of my heart, this is how I feel;

How do you react to things that are, vague but it slapped you hard, right in the face.

I'm in the state where it is hard to decipher and decide on things, whether or not I'm doing it right.
How do you judge things like that?

The things that had been happening to me, for God's sake how I've ignored them.
I don't want to store any of it in my mind, I'm powerless.
I know I'm weak, but its never 'okay' to show it to people,
I mean, what are you trying to expose yourself to? you're weak after all, WEAK.

I've encountered numerous things that had changed me, a lot.
I despised changes, but it forces me to. Change. A word that could define the world to me.
Sometimes I wonder, why are things so complicated that, at certain point,
it turns you from having balance in your life, to not have them now. Why?

Friends, I tried to be the best I that I could. What is wrong with me?
Is it because I'm not as brilliant as you guys are, because trust me, I've tried.
I know trying is not enough, but I tried.

This whole redundant messages, I may sound desperate. I could be.
A friend, A sister, A daughter, I play these roles for the past 18+ years,
and now I'm turning 19th, in less than 2 months.
I'm not good at these roles, presented to me.
They came with great responsibilities, I understand.
yet again, I tried to be the best that I could. Trying is never enough. Never.

At the end of day, the only person you are left to trust, is yourself.
I solely believe in that.

Remnants.

The very first thing I thought of after recovering this site;

OH CRAP, I HAVE A FREAKING BLOG!
*I know, I know, it happens to me all the time -.-'

So yeah, updates.
Where do I start? HAHA this feels weird.

Previously, somebody had asked me about le blog, I wasn't sure with at the moment on how to react, I don't ever recall having a blog and it doesn't make sense -.-'
At the moment though,
I'm on a Chinese New Year's break, that would only lasts a couple of days after today, sigh -.-'

Currently, I'm in my second semester of my diploma in Microbiology.

Alhamdulillah,
   
       I survived the first semester and being in the current one, I'm routing for another 2 upcoming semesters before my Industrial Training or known to some as 'Practical'.

I have to admit, things are hard, it always has been.

Second semester to me, is far more challenging than it was compared to my first one in terms of studying,making new friends and while many people had been well adapted to the environment, I'm still trying.

      A couple of months ago, I went through a series of of a whirlwind everything. I've heard from somewhere that people change, and for some reasons that is normal, wasn't it? But for what I've experienced, gosh' wasn't really expecting changes to come in forms of ways, abrupt, immediate?

p/s: i happened to write this, a while ago. Dude! what happens next? why did i stop ah? hehh! 

Ramadhan in Beting!

Assalamualaikum,

Good Morning and happy sahur-ing! (well its already wayy past imsak, but yeah wtv)

Its the 5th of August, we're reaching the third week of Ramadhan, insyaAllah. I've just had my sahur with 'Iqasatu'(we have 2 Iqas in the house, so 'iqasatu' & 'iqadua', lol) a housemate, the only one that's left here in Beting, for the weekend (well every weekends), others though (yes you guys, Ira & Fatin) are lucky enough to go home, and spend the Ramadhan with loved ones :')

So yeah, 'Beting', has anybody ever heard of the place? 

If you ask me over a month ago, the answer would be 'No'. But looking at it now, I've not been going anywhere since I first got here, and it has been a bitter-sweet experience, it is after all my first Ramadhan spent, hundreds of kilometers away from home. Beting is located somewhere in Nogori, and that is all I can tell at the moment ;)

Anyways, me and Iqasatu went for a journey of **km , heading for Seremban, it was helluva ride, but trust me, I've gone through worst, 2 weeks before. It.was.'hardcore'-.- and so, we went with Syamil as well who leads us all the way to 'JayJay' *short for JayaJusco haha*
the initial plan was that, the 3 of us are gonna shop for our upcoming Hari Raya,
which marks the first year of me, shopping on my own *well, technically with friends, but heck the independent-cy is there :p but then, Syamil dominated the time and it seriously felt like I was in my sisters shoes, who waited for me to shop every single time we went shopping LOL.

Going back, goshh the hardest task of the day. I wish we could just stay there, overnight or something, it was extremely exhausting. By the time Iqasatu and I reached our apartment, it was already the time to break the fast,
I was thankful enough that we didn't have to do that in the taxi o.O
but then all and all, it was an experience for the both of us, at least for now I know we didn't have to travel all the way to KL, since Seremban is providing us with the easier path, Alhamdulillah :')
We 'passed out' early, last night. The exhaustion was super overwhelming to cope with, and so sleep is the better and only option for us ;)

I guess that's it for today,
Happy completing the remaining 2 weeks of Ramadhan everyone!

post-matrics.

So today's post is gonna be about... well lets just first guessed where I am right now.

NO MORE matrics , how cool is that? :p

Last week, while I was in the library in matrics, completing my lab reports && stuffs. I decided to check on my application for UPU. They told me I didn't get any offer for the applications that I've made previously.
and so I was a tad bit, Sad. I wasn't expecting anything at the time, but I don't know. Its feels like I constantly failed, and trust me, its not the position that anyone would ever dreamed of being in. After that I decided to continue living, expecting the next 10 months to be the worst and went to get some books & foods supply for the upcoming weeks.

Later that evening though, my mom called me, she told me that I've got accepted to further my studies in Diploma in Microbiology (UiTM), which is my first choice placed in the application form. I was shocked, literally, because I've checked several times, and I didn't get in. and so I decided to check again, this time at the official UiTM portal and yes, that's exactly what I'm doing right now.

So Alhamdulillah, things had been great. I'm loving the apartment, housemates, environment(insyaAllah) and I'm not sure, HOT DUDES? nahhh. *not yet.
again, I'm looking forward to writing more, so yeah.

Byebye.

Matriculation (some part of it)

Today marks the 2 weeks and 1 day period of me being here, stuck with millions and tons of assignments/things to settle. but hey, look at me! I'm blogging, like seriously? this is the first time I'm going online in this rather, 'different' environment.

So yeah,
matriculation PST-1 year program (batch 2012/2013)
*second batch for the newly updated syllabus.

Right now, I'm not sure I have much to say.
I mean it has only been 2 weeks anyway and orientation has passed, thankfully I survived.
that leaves me with a whole year to go, which I wasn't expecting 2012/2013 to be the best year,
frankly speaking, I've not been adapting well here,
I miss everything that's been isolated from me.
My bed, tv shows (grey's anatomy, bones; etc) going online freely, fresh,clean laundry,
driving and most definitely,
the ENVIRONMENT that I feel save in.

I'll get back to this later I guess. I do have a lot to share but, I'm not at the right time, in the right moment of doing these things. So okay, to be continued..

Further studies

Hello.

I thought of posting something up today, not sure about what or why, but yeah. 

In my recent post, I did mention something about blogging on college and stuffs if I'm not mistaken. 

Imma do that now, I guess. 

For a start,

one of the most talked-about-thing over/less than a month ago were the ultimate '2011 SPM results'.

Frankly speaking,

I don't really fancy the idea of remembering what the day was like,

especially recalling the very 'compulsory' questions;

"How many people scored straight A's?" 

(of course, its the only thing that people cares about these days, pfft)

I really could care less about these 'astounding' achievements (I used to, but some silly 'things' just killed the interest. Some people might judge me right away when I say it like that, lets just keep reading shall we)

and THEN, people pointed out question that annoys me like super crazy;

how many A's had your classmates scored? how many A's  had your best friend scored? 

how many A's had your ... boyfriend? scored, how many A's does she scored?

how many A's does he scored? etc.

but the most important, 

"How many A's had YOU scored?" (God, it pains me to hear that) 

I mean, Seriously? 

I don't work for the 'Educational Department' or whoever is responsible for 

the results handling thing (again, I could care less)

Okay fine, 

you could ask about my best friend and some other people who are closest to me in terms of friendship or whatsoever, but asking about these people after knowing how bad my results were like?

Don't you people ever think? First, you asked about MY results. When I refused, you pushed me to tell and when I tell, you say I lied and when I show you the results, you started to put on that sympathetic face/expression . For some obvious reasons, you don't even know how to react and again, how do you expect me to do the same? what do you expect me to say? or or act? 

I know, these statements may sounds self-fish and all. But a few judgmental-smart-ass people might know what to say "she's probably upset", "she's just jealous", "she can't accept the fact that her results are not as good as this particular people" ... the list goes on. 

(couldn't you just deal with the fact that I could care less?)

Y'know what, let me get this straight. YES, I WAS UPSET, I was very upset. 

Try picturing yourself in my shoes, I've had the roughest year ever to deal with. 

But I do know that for whatever reason it was, I had done everything I could;

I've never skipped classes, I went for the extra-classes as well on weekends and weekdays

I stayed back at school for group discussions and for one whole year, 

I've given the full advantage of my commitment to the things that I know, is necessary.

So what was the problem? Maybe certain things went wrong during the whole process,

but for all I know, I was okay with it. 

I was okay with it because I know, that I did my best in everything that 

I've ever placed my efforts on.

"The moment I lay my eyes on the results? I was dumbfounded. Literally"

Certain people might have expected me to mourn and be saddened by this whole predicament,

to tell you the truth, I wasn't that affected at the moment I lay my eyes on that piece of paper.

I was expecting that I would be, but I wasn't.

Instead, I was accepting, well almost. Was I happy? heck no. 

At least not at the moment, or ever. But then again, parents? yes, parents.

and then family members, and friends, classmates, schoolmates, teachers, the whole society, 

HOW WILL I FACE THEM?

that's when my whole world collapsed. Its like, my life was over. 

I felt like I the was the dumbest person ever lived, the whole what?

11 years of schooling? really? and then everything in my mind was a mess. A big, big mess.

I couldn't think straight, how was I supposed to? I was such a disappointment to everyone.

the embarrassment that I had to bare with, and of course a series of prejudiced judgments.

so people will look down on me, people would call me stupid, underestimating what's left of me.

After that, it came down to one thing, one final thing, FUTURE. 

Where exactly is it, for me? Was there even any? Nowhere and none.

I can't describe the feeling that I went through at the exact moment, but in my mind, everything was vivid.

These contemplations were eating me alive inside, the guilt, confusions were salvaging me like a dead 

meat that I was. Obviously I was the only person to blame. Of course, who else?

For me, the one thing that hurts the most was the fact that some people allegedly, 

'assumed' that I wasn't doing and trying my best? I would love to reason with that. But first;

Do you know what I went through? Do you know my journey?

Do you know the things that I have to deal with? Do you know what I did and didn't do?

Do you even know me? really really know me? Were you there to witness any of that?

If your answer, is 'No' then stop making up baseless assumptions.

Because I can't change what He has stated for me, I can't change fate and I wouldn't want to argue with it.

That evening, I was lying DEAD on my bed. Not dead dead, its more of like DEAD, (mentally and emotionally) and then I felt like some strength is trying to tell me, 

asking me to 'GET BACK UP'  I felt this sudden urge, I mean out of nowhere, 

I literally got back up. After all, lying DEAD serves me nothing. That instance, I went to get 

'that' piece of paper.. my SPM results.

It was tough, but I have to take a closer look this time (I didn't go through the other subjects, the first 

time I checked) and went online to look for the courses that I'm qualified enough to apply. 

Of course I wasn't qualified for anything big, professional or whatever, 

but the courses that I am qualified for is indeed the ones that I have been dying to apply! (I scored way more A's in my trial exam, but wasn't qualified for this particular courses) and so, I checked from college to

college, rendered through some small moment of disappointment with some courses, but on the bright 

side, I have nothing else to say, "Alhamdulillah, Allah is great!"

That's when I know, He had something else planned out for me. I was convinced.

The only regret that I had was the fact that I wasn't being patient, I gave up so easily when the things that

I had hope didn't go my way. I'll take it as a test, it was a test from Him. 

It didn't take long for me to settle the whole College applications, there wasn't a lot either but I

was ecstatic! Also, I had received my first offer letter a few days ago for the Matriculation (PST) 1-year program. If my pointers are good, I am set to study for a degree in 'Doctor of Medicine',

InsyaAllah (pray for me). There is a BUT though, I'm still awaiting my acceptance for a few other Colleges

that I've applied for, which will be known only by the 7th of May 2012. A tough tough choice to decide.

So now, I am back on track (almost), I know this journey is only starting. Nothing comes easy and gets easier, things get tougher and tougher everyday. I know there is a lot, and I mean a lot of obstacles coming in my way, I'm praying that the He will always protect me from giving up walking on this newly-build track that I'm standing on and most importantly, protecting me from myself. The path ahead is not always 

straight, its full of big holes, big rocks and hardships. Failure are not build to last, I'm aware of that but I know have to work harder. Just like everything in life, nothing is FREE we need to work to earn it! 

Good Luck everyone! :')