Friends, eh?

Um hello.
So okay the most thing I do to this blog is, well, abusing it with these words of misery that I couldn't hold much into contempt.
Misery is a big word.

My whole life I've never thought or foresee myself to be having troubles making friends.
Or, keeping close ones. I failed.

It's so hard knowing that you've done all that you could, sacrificing all that you have, just to ended up with well, getting hurt.

The worst feeling in the world has got to be not having a person to share your sad story, or happy ones.
Imagine that you've gone through a really good day, couldn't wait to go home and share it. but dude wait, who're are you sharing it with? Jokes on you.
Or, picture this, having to be in a circle of people who you thought, would lasts throughout the semesters, graduating together, and heck being bridesmaids at each other's wedding?

To be honest, I foresee all that, well, 'expecting' is the actual proper word.
I'm not really sure which one hurts most, the fact that no one is telling you what you did wrong, or the fact that they just decided that you couldn't really fit it. I really don't know.
But to go through everyday, listening to them joking around laughing with that circle of group that used to 'fit' you in it. God, it gets annoying everyday. Bcos hey, that used to be you in there, laughing along with them. Sounded so surreal now everything you used to have with them, went aloof.
and oh, tear me up at times of PMS. screw you stupid PMS. Not that I didn't try, I did. But what should I do really,  when you asks them something, trying to be 'friendly' only to have your unimportant questions be ignored. I feel dumb, frankly I did. It's not worth the effort, when you get treated like shit at the end of the day. At least it felt like it.

And so they tell you the worst experience thought you the best lessons.
Couldn't yet to grasps that.
Or foresee little parts if it. But hey, it thought me to do things on my own.
Though most parts of it left you in the most vulnerable state of loneliness, there are times where that 'loneliness' set you free. It's hard to put it in words, experience is after all, the best teacher.

I just wish that one fine day, things will get better. I know for sure that He had set apart what is best for me, maybe to teach me more patience, I don't know, but for all that's worth, I have my uppermost faith in Him, in shaa Allah :') and I will continue to pray to him till the right 'friends' appear. Maybe now is not the right time, maybe I need to polish myself more to deserve the best. Or maybe He had already circled me with the right people, I've just yet to discover which or who or whom. For now, I'm gonna just appreciate what I have and had, and the experiences that came along with it. It's sure to be worth a lot.

Feels good to write. I love you blog <3 nbsp="">

Ignore. You don't need to read any of this.

I have never trust myself with anything, I lied a lot, to myself of course just to feel better.
It helps sometimes. I write, I'm not good at writing.

But a very wise teacher taught me, that writing is a passion.
You write from your heart, so I did.

From the bottom of my heart, this is how I feel;

How do you react to things that are, vague but it slapped you hard, right in the face.

I'm in the state where it is hard to decipher and decide on things, whether or not I'm doing it right.
How do you judge things like that?

The things that had been happening to me, for God's sake how I've ignored them.
I don't want to store any of it in my mind, I'm powerless.
I know I'm weak, but its never 'okay' to show it to people,
I mean, what are you trying to expose yourself to? you're weak after all, WEAK.

I've encountered numerous things that had changed me, a lot.
I despised changes, but it forces me to. Change. A word that could define the world to me.
Sometimes I wonder, why are things so complicated that, at certain point,
it turns you from having balance in your life, to not have them now. Why?

Friends, I tried to be the best I that I could. What is wrong with me?
Is it because I'm not as brilliant as you guys are, because trust me, I've tried.
I know trying is not enough, but I tried.

This whole redundant messages, I may sound desperate. I could be.
A friend, A sister, A daughter, I play these roles for the past 18+ years,
and now I'm turning 19th, in less than 2 months.
I'm not good at these roles, presented to me.
They came with great responsibilities, I understand.
yet again, I tried to be the best that I could. Trying is never enough. Never.

At the end of day, the only person you are left to trust, is yourself.
I solely believe in that.

Remnants.

The very first thing I thought of after recovering this site;

OH CRAP, I HAVE A FREAKING BLOG!
*I know, I know, it happens to me all the time -.-'

So yeah, updates.
Where do I start? HAHA this feels weird.

Previously, somebody had asked me about le blog, I wasn't sure with at the moment on how to react, I don't ever recall having a blog and it doesn't make sense -.-'
At the moment though,
I'm on a Chinese New Year's break, that would only lasts a couple of days after today, sigh -.-'

Currently, I'm in my second semester of my diploma in Microbiology.

Alhamdulillah,
   
       I survived the first semester and being in the current one, I'm routing for another 2 upcoming semesters before my Industrial Training or known to some as 'Practical'.

I have to admit, things are hard, it always has been.

Second semester to me, is far more challenging than it was compared to my first one in terms of studying,making new friends and while many people had been well adapted to the environment, I'm still trying.

      A couple of months ago, I went through a series of of a whirlwind everything. I've heard from somewhere that people change, and for some reasons that is normal, wasn't it? But for what I've experienced, gosh' wasn't really expecting changes to come in forms of ways, abrupt, immediate?

p/s: i happened to write this, a while ago. Dude! what happens next? why did i stop ah? hehh!