Sunday, April 29, 2012

Further studies

I thought of posting something up today, not sure about what or why, but yeah. 

In my recent post, I did mention something about blogging on college and stuffs if I'm not mistaken. 
Imma do that now, I guess. 

For a start,
one of the most talked-about-thing over/less than a month ago were the ultimate '2011 SPM results'.

Frankly speaking,
I don't really fancy the idea of remembering what the day was like,
especially recalling the very 'compulsory' questions;
"How many people scored straight A's?" 
(of course, its the only thing that people cares about these days, pfft)
I really could care less about these 'astounding' achievements (I used to, but some silly 'things' just killed the interest. Some people might judge me right away when I say it like that, lets just keep reading shall we)

and THEN, people pointed out question that annoys me like super crazy;
how many A's had your classmates scored? how many A's  had your best friend scored? 
how many A's had your ... boyfriend? scored, how many A's does she scored?
how many A's does he scored? etc.

but the most important, 
"How many A's had YOU scored?" (God, it pains me to hear that) 
I mean, Seriously? 
I don't work for the 'Educational Department' or whoever is responsible for 
the results handling thing (again, I could care less)

Okay fine, 
you could ask about my best friend and some other people who are closest to me in terms of friendship or whatsoever, but asking about these people after knowing how bad my results were like?
Don't you people ever think? First, you asked about MY results. When I refused, you pushed me to tell and when I tell, you say I lied and when I show you the results, you started to put on that sympathetic face/expression . For some obvious reasons, you don't even know how to react and again, how do you expect me to do the same? what do you expect me to say? or or act? 
I know, these statements may sounds self-fish and all. But a few judgmental-smart-ass people might know what to say "she's probably upset", "she's just jealous", "she can't accept the fact that her results are not as good as this particular people" ... the list goes on. 
(couldn't you just deal with the fact that I could care less?)

Y'know what, let me get this straight. YES, I WAS UPSET, I was very upset. 
Try picturing yourself in my shoes, I've had the roughest year ever to deal with. 
But I do know that for whatever reason it was, I had done everything I could;
I've never skipped classes, I went for the extra-classes as well on weekends and weekdays
I stayed back at school for group discussions and for one whole year, 
I've given the full advantage of my commitment to the things that I know, is necessary.
So what was the problem? Maybe certain things went wrong during the whole process,
but for all I know, I was okay with it. 
I was okay with it because I know, that I did my best in everything that 
I've ever placed my efforts on.

"The moment I lay my eyes on the results? I was dumbfounded. Literally"

Certain people might have expected me to mourn and be saddened by this whole predicament,
to tell you the truth, I wasn't that affected at the moment I lay my eyes on that piece of paper.
I was expecting that I would be, but I wasn't.
Instead, I was accepting, well almost. Was I happy? heck no. 
At least not at the moment, or ever. But then again, parents? yes, parents.
and then family members, and friends, classmates, schoolmates, teachers, the whole society, 
that's when my whole world collapsed. Its like, my life was over. 
I felt like I the was the dumbest person ever lived, the whole what?
11 years of schooling? really? and then everything in my mind was a mess. A big, big mess.
I couldn't think straight, how was I supposed to? I was such a disappointment to everyone.
the embarrassment that I had to bare with, and of course a series of prejudiced judgments.
so people will look down on me, people would call me stupid, underestimating what's left of me.
After that, it came down to one thing, one final thing, FUTURE. 
Where exactly is it, for me? Was there even any? Nowhere and none.
I can't describe the feeling that I went through at the exact moment, but in my mind, everything was vivid.
These contemplations were eating me alive inside, the guilt, confusions were salvaging me like a dead 
meat that I was. Obviously I was the only person to blame. Of course, who else?

For me, the one thing that hurts the most was the fact that some people allegedly, 
'assumed' that I wasn't doing and trying my best? I would love to reason with that. But first;
Do you know what I went through? Do you know my journey?
Do you know the things that I have to deal with? Do you know what I did and didn't do?
Do you even know me? really really know me? Were you there to witness any of that?
If your answer, is 'No' then stop making up baseless assumptions.
Because I can't change what He has stated for me, I can't change fate and I wouldn't want to argue with it.

That evening, I was lying DEAD on my bed. Not dead dead, its more of like DEAD, (mentally and emotionally) and then I felt like some strength is trying to tell me, 
asking me to 'GET BACK UP'  I felt this sudden urge, I mean out of nowhere, 
I literally got back up. After all, lying DEAD serves me nothing. That instance, I went to get 
'that' piece of paper.. my SPM results.
It was tough, but I have to take a closer look this time (I didn't go through the other subjects, the first 
time I checked) and went online to look for the courses that I'm qualified enough to apply. 
Of course I wasn't qualified for anything big, professional or whatever, 
but the courses that I am qualified for is indeed the ones that I have been dying to apply! (I scored way more A's in my trial exam, but wasn't qualified for this particular courses) and so, I checked from college to
college, rendered through some small moment of disappointment with some courses, but on the bright 
side, I have nothing else to say, "Alhamdulillah, Allah is great!"
That's when I know, He had something else planned out for me. I was convinced.
The only regret that I had was the fact that I wasn't being patient, I gave up so easily when the things that
I had hope didn't go my way. I'll take it as a test, it was a test from Him. 

It didn't take long for me to settle the whole College applications, there wasn't a lot either but I
was ecstatic! Also, I had received my first offer letter a few days ago for the Matriculation (PST) 1-year program. If my pointers are good, I am set to study for a degree in 'Doctor of Medicine',
InsyaAllah (pray for me). There is a BUT though, I'm still awaiting my acceptance for a few other Colleges
that I've applied for, which will be known only by the 7th of May 2012. A tough tough choice to decide.
So now, I am back on track (almost), I know this journey is only starting. Nothing comes easy and gets easier, things get tougher and tougher everyday. I know there is a lot, and I mean a lot of obstacles coming in my way, I'm praying that the He will always protect me from giving up walking on this newly-build track that I'm standing on and most importantly, protecting me from myself. The path ahead is not always 
straight, its full of big holes, big rocks and hardships. Failure are not build to last, I'm aware of that but I know have to work harder. Just like everything in life, nothing is FREE we need to work to earn it! 
Good Luck everyone! :')


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