Friends, eh?

Um hello.
So okay the most thing I do to this blog is, well, abusing it with these words of misery that I couldn't hold much into contempt.
Misery is a big word.

My whole life I've never thought or foresee myself to be having troubles making friends.
Or, keeping close ones. I failed.

It's so hard knowing that you've done all that you could, sacrificing all that you have, just to ended up with well, getting hurt.

The worst feeling in the world has got to be not having a person to share your sad story, or happy ones.
Imagine that you've gone through a really good day, couldn't wait to go home and share it. but dude wait, who're are you sharing it with? Jokes on you.
Or, picture this, having to be in a circle of people who you thought, would lasts throughout the semesters, graduating together, and heck being bridesmaids at each other's wedding?

To be honest, I foresee all that, well, 'expecting' is the actual proper word.
I'm not really sure which one hurts most, the fact that no one is telling you what you did wrong, or the fact that they just decided that you couldn't really fit it. I really don't know.
But to go through everyday, listening to them joking around laughing with that circle of group that used to 'fit' you in it. God, it gets annoying everyday. Bcos hey, that used to be you in there, laughing along with them. Sounded so surreal now everything you used to have with them, went aloof.
and oh, tear me up at times of PMS. screw you stupid PMS. Not that I didn't try, I did. But what should I do really,  when you asks them something, trying to be 'friendly' only to have your unimportant questions be ignored. I feel dumb, frankly I did. It's not worth the effort, when you get treated like shit at the end of the day. At least it felt like it.

And so they tell you the worst experience thought you the best lessons.
Couldn't yet to grasps that.
Or foresee little parts if it. But hey, it thought me to do things on my own.
Though most parts of it left you in the most vulnerable state of loneliness, there are times where that 'loneliness' set you free. It's hard to put it in words, experience is after all, the best teacher.

I just wish that one fine day, things will get better. I know for sure that He had set apart what is best for me, maybe to teach me more patience, I don't know, but for all that's worth, I have my uppermost faith in Him, in shaa Allah :') and I will continue to pray to him till the right 'friends' appear. Maybe now is not the right time, maybe I need to polish myself more to deserve the best. Or maybe He had already circled me with the right people, I've just yet to discover which or who or whom. For now, I'm gonna just appreciate what I have and had, and the experiences that came along with it. It's sure to be worth a lot.

Feels good to write. I love you blog <3 nbsp="">

Ignore. You don't need to read any of this.

I have never trust myself with anything, I lied a lot, to myself of course just to feel better.
It helps sometimes. I write, I'm not good at writing.

But a very wise teacher taught me, that writing is a passion.
You write from your heart, so I did.

From the bottom of my heart, this is how I feel;

How do you react to things that are, vague but it slapped you hard, right in the face.

I'm in the state where it is hard to decipher and decide on things, whether or not I'm doing it right.
How do you judge things like that?

The things that had been happening to me, for God's sake how I've ignored them.
I don't want to store any of it in my mind, I'm powerless.
I know I'm weak, but its never 'okay' to show it to people,
I mean, what are you trying to expose yourself to? you're weak after all, WEAK.

I've encountered numerous things that had changed me, a lot.
I despised changes, but it forces me to. Change. A word that could define the world to me.
Sometimes I wonder, why are things so complicated that, at certain point,
it turns you from having balance in your life, to not have them now. Why?

Friends, I tried to be the best I that I could. What is wrong with me?
Is it because I'm not as brilliant as you guys are, because trust me, I've tried.
I know trying is not enough, but I tried.

This whole redundant messages, I may sound desperate. I could be.
A friend, A sister, A daughter, I play these roles for the past 18+ years,
and now I'm turning 19th, in less than 2 months.
I'm not good at these roles, presented to me.
They came with great responsibilities, I understand.
yet again, I tried to be the best that I could. Trying is never enough. Never.

At the end of day, the only person you are left to trust, is yourself.
I solely believe in that.

Remnants.

The very first thing I thought of after recovering this site;

OH CRAP, I HAVE A FREAKING BLOG!
*I know, I know, it happens to me all the time -.-'

So yeah, updates.
Where do I start? HAHA this feels weird.

Previously, somebody had asked me about le blog, I wasn't sure with at the moment on how to react, I don't ever recall having a blog and it doesn't make sense -.-'
At the moment though,
I'm on a Chinese New Year's break, that would only lasts a couple of days after today, sigh -.-'

Currently, I'm in my second semester of my diploma in Microbiology.

Alhamdulillah,
   
       I survived the first semester and being in the current one, I'm routing for another 2 upcoming semesters before my Industrial Training or known to some as 'Practical'.

I have to admit, things are hard, it always has been.

Second semester to me, is far more challenging than it was compared to my first one in terms of studying,making new friends and while many people had been well adapted to the environment, I'm still trying.

      A couple of months ago, I went through a series of of a whirlwind everything. I've heard from somewhere that people change, and for some reasons that is normal, wasn't it? But for what I've experienced, gosh' wasn't really expecting changes to come in forms of ways, abrupt, immediate?

p/s: i happened to write this, a while ago. Dude! what happens next? why did i stop ah? hehh! 

Ramadhan in Beting!

Assalamualaikum,

Good Morning and happy sahur-ing! (well its already wayy past imsak, but yeah wtv)

Its the 5th of August, we're reaching the third week of Ramadhan, insyaAllah. I've just had my sahur with 'Iqasatu'(we have 2 Iqas in the house, so 'iqasatu' & 'iqadua', lol) a housemate, the only one that's left here in Beting, for the weekend (well every weekends), others though (yes you guys, Ira & Fatin) are lucky enough to go home, and spend the Ramadhan with loved ones :')

So yeah, 'Beting', has anybody ever heard of the place? 

If you ask me over a month ago, the answer would be 'No'. But looking at it now, I've not been going anywhere since I first got here, and it has been a bitter-sweet experience, it is after all my first Ramadhan spent, hundreds of kilometers away from home. Beting is located somewhere in Nogori, and that is all I can tell at the moment ;)

Anyways, me and Iqasatu went for a journey of **km , heading for Seremban, it was helluva ride, but trust me, I've gone through worst, 2 weeks before. It.was.'hardcore'-.- and so, we went with Syamil as well who leads us all the way to 'JayJay' *short for JayaJusco haha*
the initial plan was that, the 3 of us are gonna shop for our upcoming Hari Raya,
which marks the first year of me, shopping on my own *well, technically with friends, but heck the independent-cy is there :p but then, Syamil dominated the time and it seriously felt like I was in my sisters shoes, who waited for me to shop every single time we went shopping LOL.

Going back, goshh the hardest task of the day. I wish we could just stay there, overnight or something, it was extremely exhausting. By the time Iqasatu and I reached our apartment, it was already the time to break the fast,
I was thankful enough that we didn't have to do that in the taxi o.O
but then all and all, it was an experience for the both of us, at least for now I know we didn't have to travel all the way to KL, since Seremban is providing us with the easier path, Alhamdulillah :')
We 'passed out' early, last night. The exhaustion was super overwhelming to cope with, and so sleep is the better and only option for us ;)

I guess that's it for today,
Happy completing the remaining 2 weeks of Ramadhan everyone!

post-matrics.

So today's post is gonna be about... well lets just first guessed where I am right now.

NO MORE matrics , how cool is that? :p

Last week, while I was in the library in matrics, completing my lab reports && stuffs. I decided to check on my application for UPU. They told me I didn't get any offer for the applications that I've made previously.
and so I was a tad bit, Sad. I wasn't expecting anything at the time, but I don't know. Its feels like I constantly failed, and trust me, its not the position that anyone would ever dreamed of being in. After that I decided to continue living, expecting the next 10 months to be the worst and went to get some books & foods supply for the upcoming weeks.

Later that evening though, my mom called me, she told me that I've got accepted to further my studies in Diploma in Microbiology (UiTM), which is my first choice placed in the application form. I was shocked, literally, because I've checked several times, and I didn't get in. and so I decided to check again, this time at the official UiTM portal and yes, that's exactly what I'm doing right now.

So Alhamdulillah, things had been great. I'm loving the apartment, housemates, environment(insyaAllah) and I'm not sure, HOT DUDES? nahhh. *not yet.
again, I'm looking forward to writing more, so yeah.

Byebye.

Matriculation (some part of it)

Today marks the 2 weeks and 1 day period of me being here, stuck with millions and tons of assignments/things to settle. but hey, look at me! I'm blogging, like seriously? this is the first time I'm going online in this rather, 'different' environment.

So yeah,
matriculation PST-1 year program (batch 2012/2013)
*second batch for the newly updated syllabus.

Right now, I'm not sure I have much to say.
I mean it has only been 2 weeks anyway and orientation has passed, thankfully I survived.
that leaves me with a whole year to go, which I wasn't expecting 2012/2013 to be the best year,
frankly speaking, I've not been adapting well here,
I miss everything that's been isolated from me.
My bed, tv shows (grey's anatomy, bones; etc) going online freely, fresh,clean laundry,
driving and most definitely,
the ENVIRONMENT that I feel save in.

I'll get back to this later I guess. I do have a lot to share but, I'm not at the right time, in the right moment of doing these things. So okay, to be continued..

Further studies

Hello.

I thought of posting something up today, not sure about what or why, but yeah. 

In my recent post, I did mention something about blogging on college and stuffs if I'm not mistaken. 

Imma do that now, I guess. 

For a start,

one of the most talked-about-thing over/less than a month ago were the ultimate '2011 SPM results'.

Frankly speaking,

I don't really fancy the idea of remembering what the day was like,

especially recalling the very 'compulsory' questions;

"How many people scored straight A's?" 

(of course, its the only thing that people cares about these days, pfft)

I really could care less about these 'astounding' achievements (I used to, but some silly 'things' just killed the interest. Some people might judge me right away when I say it like that, lets just keep reading shall we)

and THEN, people pointed out question that annoys me like super crazy;

how many A's had your classmates scored? how many A's  had your best friend scored? 

how many A's had your ... boyfriend? scored, how many A's does she scored?

how many A's does he scored? etc.

but the most important, 

"How many A's had YOU scored?" (God, it pains me to hear that) 

I mean, Seriously? 

I don't work for the 'Educational Department' or whoever is responsible for 

the results handling thing (again, I could care less)

Okay fine, 

you could ask about my best friend and some other people who are closest to me in terms of friendship or whatsoever, but asking about these people after knowing how bad my results were like?

Don't you people ever think? First, you asked about MY results. When I refused, you pushed me to tell and when I tell, you say I lied and when I show you the results, you started to put on that sympathetic face/expression . For some obvious reasons, you don't even know how to react and again, how do you expect me to do the same? what do you expect me to say? or or act? 

I know, these statements may sounds self-fish and all. But a few judgmental-smart-ass people might know what to say "she's probably upset", "she's just jealous", "she can't accept the fact that her results are not as good as this particular people" ... the list goes on. 

(couldn't you just deal with the fact that I could care less?)

Y'know what, let me get this straight. YES, I WAS UPSET, I was very upset. 

Try picturing yourself in my shoes, I've had the roughest year ever to deal with. 

But I do know that for whatever reason it was, I had done everything I could;

I've never skipped classes, I went for the extra-classes as well on weekends and weekdays

I stayed back at school for group discussions and for one whole year, 

I've given the full advantage of my commitment to the things that I know, is necessary.

So what was the problem? Maybe certain things went wrong during the whole process,

but for all I know, I was okay with it. 

I was okay with it because I know, that I did my best in everything that 

I've ever placed my efforts on.

"The moment I lay my eyes on the results? I was dumbfounded. Literally"

Certain people might have expected me to mourn and be saddened by this whole predicament,

to tell you the truth, I wasn't that affected at the moment I lay my eyes on that piece of paper.

I was expecting that I would be, but I wasn't.

Instead, I was accepting, well almost. Was I happy? heck no. 

At least not at the moment, or ever. But then again, parents? yes, parents.

and then family members, and friends, classmates, schoolmates, teachers, the whole society, 

HOW WILL I FACE THEM?

that's when my whole world collapsed. Its like, my life was over. 

I felt like I the was the dumbest person ever lived, the whole what?

11 years of schooling? really? and then everything in my mind was a mess. A big, big mess.

I couldn't think straight, how was I supposed to? I was such a disappointment to everyone.

the embarrassment that I had to bare with, and of course a series of prejudiced judgments.

so people will look down on me, people would call me stupid, underestimating what's left of me.

After that, it came down to one thing, one final thing, FUTURE. 

Where exactly is it, for me? Was there even any? Nowhere and none.

I can't describe the feeling that I went through at the exact moment, but in my mind, everything was vivid.

These contemplations were eating me alive inside, the guilt, confusions were salvaging me like a dead 

meat that I was. Obviously I was the only person to blame. Of course, who else?

For me, the one thing that hurts the most was the fact that some people allegedly, 

'assumed' that I wasn't doing and trying my best? I would love to reason with that. But first;

Do you know what I went through? Do you know my journey?

Do you know the things that I have to deal with? Do you know what I did and didn't do?

Do you even know me? really really know me? Were you there to witness any of that?

If your answer, is 'No' then stop making up baseless assumptions.

Because I can't change what He has stated for me, I can't change fate and I wouldn't want to argue with it.

That evening, I was lying DEAD on my bed. Not dead dead, its more of like DEAD, (mentally and emotionally) and then I felt like some strength is trying to tell me, 

asking me to 'GET BACK UP'  I felt this sudden urge, I mean out of nowhere, 

I literally got back up. After all, lying DEAD serves me nothing. That instance, I went to get 

'that' piece of paper.. my SPM results.

It was tough, but I have to take a closer look this time (I didn't go through the other subjects, the first 

time I checked) and went online to look for the courses that I'm qualified enough to apply. 

Of course I wasn't qualified for anything big, professional or whatever, 

but the courses that I am qualified for is indeed the ones that I have been dying to apply! (I scored way more A's in my trial exam, but wasn't qualified for this particular courses) and so, I checked from college to

college, rendered through some small moment of disappointment with some courses, but on the bright 

side, I have nothing else to say, "Alhamdulillah, Allah is great!"

That's when I know, He had something else planned out for me. I was convinced.

The only regret that I had was the fact that I wasn't being patient, I gave up so easily when the things that

I had hope didn't go my way. I'll take it as a test, it was a test from Him. 

It didn't take long for me to settle the whole College applications, there wasn't a lot either but I

was ecstatic! Also, I had received my first offer letter a few days ago for the Matriculation (PST) 1-year program. If my pointers are good, I am set to study for a degree in 'Doctor of Medicine',

InsyaAllah (pray for me). There is a BUT though, I'm still awaiting my acceptance for a few other Colleges

that I've applied for, which will be known only by the 7th of May 2012. A tough tough choice to decide.

So now, I am back on track (almost), I know this journey is only starting. Nothing comes easy and gets easier, things get tougher and tougher everyday. I know there is a lot, and I mean a lot of obstacles coming in my way, I'm praying that the He will always protect me from giving up walking on this newly-build track that I'm standing on and most importantly, protecting me from myself. The path ahead is not always 

straight, its full of big holes, big rocks and hardships. Failure are not build to last, I'm aware of that but I know have to work harder. Just like everything in life, nothing is FREE we need to work to earn it! 

Good Luck everyone! :')

  

Online shopping?!

Heyyya peeps!

I don't even know where to start when I first thought of updating my blog,  I literally had to look for the link at my facebook page, that's just how bad it is -.- I mean, Hellooo? its MY OWN FREAKING BLOG for goodness' sake =.=' and yes,  it has been awhileeeee (I've mentioned pretty much the same thing on my previous posts) since I've written anything, and I mean anything at all since foreverrr!

Okay, those statements were too overly-dramatized hihi 

So anyways,

life has been good lately, Alhamdulillah (I thanked You for every possibilities that You had made possible and those endless guidance that is still keeping me on the right path, thank you Allah). 

These past few weeks had been a lot of things, emotions that is to me, unpredictable (I guess Billy Joe did try to warned me in his 'time of your life', I should have listened? oh well.) Oh no wait, did I say emotions? like seriously? Imma screwed that up now, my writing method need a major adjustment ASAP! 

I know for a fact that the things I've written before was a whole lots of ... well it ain't crap, but I should have regarded this blogging space more as a place to share thoughts/views on such a significant scale rather than keeping it as a diary (ain't a bad thing either) and of course putting my passion of expressing these views in a way that is more, straight forward and maybe filling it with a much more vibrant topics/discussions. 

Looking back at it, its overwhelming to see the transformation for me, being the person I was (judging from my style of writing) into becoming the person I've become and y'know, things like how my way of thinking had evolved && stuffs, finding its way into maturity :')

But heck, lets not do the whole life-changing-lovey-dovey-moment thing, done that a gazillion times. 

What I really wanted to blog about right now is, my current/all-time favorite pastimes, yes you guessed it right, MAKEUPS <3 and online shopping! && maybe, some other 'additional' things *ranging from playing/experimenting with it, to shopping all the essentials! (well, I'll be blogging mainly about online shopping but since makeups are my ultimate favorite thing, I listed it out first hee)

*Just a very quick background check; 
Not that it matters so much but yeah makeups has been my ultimate obsession since my childhood years and that hasn't changed till now.
Personally, its the one thing that I feel would live within me for years to come! yeayy!

*Note to my future husband <3 ; let me quote this;
"It is not my naked/makeup-free complexion that should be your uppermost concern. Well, probably it should, but only during the two-weeks-period before my annual menstruation process *y'know its the time of the month where parasitic zits started to invade these fragile, fragile complexion of mine and its also that period of time where my uncontrollable moodswings would be something your patience needs to cater* but honey, as an early preparation to combat whatever it is that is coming your our way, start saving now! cos I'm your ultimate supershopper! *winks* maybe soon, you shall know why hihi"
Right, so now I've literally got a whole life planned out for me, no? oh well =.='
 *I have no idea WTH am I talking about. y'know, ignore the whole statement stated above it does not   make any sense, at all. So, mind me.

So yeah, recently I was granted with some extra $$ from the two-most-important people in my life, PARENTS! (the door of sustenance are wider for those who are willing to work) and so, I had been involved in some online shopping!!
First thing first,
y'know there's always this part in a movie where when women/girls went for a shopping spree for no apparent reasons and how the payment bills went crazy, yeah.... well that didn't happened to me (thanked god, hihi)

What did happened though,
is that I purchased some of my favorite things; MAKEUPS! (I ain't gonna mention the billing parts, duhh?!&$%)
it was nothing much, really *aside from getting some awesome eyeshadow/blusher palette, makeup brushes && some other makeup tools <3 I've always wanted to own these palettes and tools but was told that I was too young to put on makeups, NOT ANYMOREEE!  to finally owning these stuffs feels like a dream come true!  *exaggerations alert!

Anyways,
I've been successfully (let me repeat that, SUCCESSFULLY!) pulling off a few looks that I learned from YouTube tutorials(the power of technology) and sometimes having my own 'Michelle Phan' moment (one of the most sought-after-makeup-guru on YouTube!) when nobody's around.
It was such an awesome awesome ways for me to spend sadly, what's left of my holidays before starting off to college :'( (I shall be doing another entry on colleges and stuffs, hopefully soon!)

But hey,
at least I'm ending my holidays doing the things that I love right? right? right?! *postive energy draws in* this is so pathetic, I'm not prepared this! *face palm. 

So yeah, for me, getting your favorite things doesn't need you to reasoned with anything but you surely do need to know your boundaries, *I know online shopping is an extremely risky deal in terms of frauds and pretty much anything, but I've taken some extra precautionary measures and Alhamdulillah so far everything is alright* and as a matter of fact, online shopping are quite wide these days. I wouldn't say it has becoming a trend or anything, but I do find a lot of people of all ages adults/youngsters preferring to shop online, instead of going to the mall. (who loves traffics right?)

But of course,

when there are pros then there will be cons, its the rule!

From what I know and pretty much experienced,
online shopping offers a wider choices/options in choosing your favorite things, both locally and internationally. Next is of course, getting the best price. I find a lot of websites offering a much lower price on the exact items you usually find at the mall. The best part is that it can be delivered right to your doorstep after payment has been made *in terms of payment, there are also a list of options in dealing with it (online banking, atm deposit, paypal etc.) so unassumingly, traffics can be avoided (unless you chose to do atm deposit, which requires to go to the bank). I guess these are some of the pros listed out for me.

As for the cons,
I would make finding a trusted seller/dealer and websites my main priorities, simply because its the single-most-crucial criteria to look for in order to avoid frauds. Second thing would be dealing with a very rude and fussy seller/dealer whom obviously does not put customer's service first! thirdly, you are prone to the addiction of shopping online (it is never a good thing and never will be, trust me) which may lead you to spend more $$ than you ever needed on things that are unnecessary *that's why its called addiction* Lastly, waiting for the shipment which by far, my least favorite thing ever to deal with. Sometimes, these 'responsible people' promised to deliver your items in this particular time, but it turns out, the waits kept on being delayed (nobody likes a long wait, right?) but so far, I think I've been dealing with the right people so delayed deliveries are no longer my biggest concerned.

Online sellers/dealers  are humans too and maybe sometimes, they made mistakes (everyone does) maybe they overlooked your order or whatsoever. But some of these honest people worked hard to earn their income, and I appreciate those who had been treating their customers well, thank you for being very polite,and most importantly, honest (technically, it wasn't the easiest thing to do especially when you have to deal with hundreds and hundreds of customers)
I would also like to thank the people who are responsible in delivering the stuffs, mainly to the company that I've dealt with before; (poslaju, skynet, kangaroo etc.) thank you for the awesome service!

Bottom line is,

there are a lot of things to put in consideration before starting any transactions online.

Be sure to put forward the things that you need to bare with and most importantly is to have patience, always set your mind in the most rational state possible.
Just for the record, I'm not recommending you guys to shop online or whatsoever,
its just that for a person like me and maybe those who can relate to this, its hard for me to shop for certain favorite things of mine here (referring to where I resides) it is highly impossible *well, almost.

For whatever reasons there might be ,
I am not to be blamed for keeping this morbid obsession  as a past-time-thing (I mean, look at me, I am a sophisticated young woman, I was born to strive in pride!)


"People are meant to do, what they were meant to do"

p/s: Don't ever judge me just because you don't like the things that I do. In my defense, I never really understand why 'boys' were soo into DOTA? Grow up already -.- such 'games' are just Lame (see what I just did, I judged 'boys'. oh well.)

Positive thinking

Assalamulaikum, Hi.
   I'm here trying to improve certain personal things, in many ways and aspects.

To begin with, we are almost at the end of February, the second month of 2012. The past few weeks has been, I dunno, crazy, haywire, bored, fun, devastating, challenging, sad and sometimes lost. If i were to list everything that I had encountered with, its gonna be too overwhelming and I guess no one cares, right? So yeah, yesterday for instance, I went through a very heartbreaking ordeal with my JPJ test and I guess up until now, I can't stop mourning over it, not sure why. I thought of it over and over, blaming myself for I don't really know what. It just got me thinking that I was at my stupidest for expecting too much out of it, I always do, in everything. But then it got to me that, I have to accept things the way they are.
    I'm very glad, for the positive words of wisdom that I've received sincerely from my family and friends. They are the greatest support system from Allah swt and I'm very thankful that He surrounded me with this beautiful, beautiful group of people in my life. I may be one of the person who doesn't forget things easily, but predicaments were to happen for valid reasons. I didn't blame God for whatever happens to me, I thanked Him dearly for the things that had taught me, the great values of LIFE, Alhamdulillah. So my advice to those who are in search of inner peace, try asking Allah swt, pray to Him and leave your strongest faith in Him. He will always be there for you if make the effort to get closer to Him, InsyaAllah.

A December's starter day.

Hello :)
So SPM is pretty much over, Alhamdulillah I can't be more thankful. I mean, it was a huge pressure going on and on for the past 10 months, preparing to face it. Sometimes, these preparations hit me with tons and tons of temptations that's been feeding my soul, decisions and sacrifices to make (though facing it was overwhelming, I'm now matured enough to decide for the best in advanced). Part of it was a whole lot of elements that sometimes left me suffocating, now that its over, I guess everyone deserves to breathe again, including me. As for the outcomes of it, I leave it to God, to decide and hopefully, I'll be as accepting as I could in my determined fate which I sure do hope for the best.
      Recently, people all around me (those who are currently SPM-free) had been talking about plans. 70% decided to take up driver's license, some other parts of it had decided on finding a job, going on holidays and vice versa. For me, I started my long-term holiday going back to be the epic potato couch I was, re-catching some tv shows that I've been missing on and I even started my new chapter of tv shows marathon yesterday,  it felt so damn good as uber freedom embraces me. But obviously, that wasn't just it, I mean I do have plans in advanced, I am one the 70% people who's about to register to get a driver's licence which happens to be a must nowadays, in this globalized era. I could also be in the group of people who's currently on job hunting, working experience could somehow be fun!
    And so, I'm not quite sure of what's coming ahead (obviously, no one does) but I think there're going to be a lot to deal with (again, obviously, you just don't deal with one thing in life, it is not always that simple), good or bad, like it or not, its the favors of life that I'm pretty much looking forward to render. I'm 17 now, within a few months from now, I'll turn 18 and yes time flies whether or not we choose to ignore it, there is no stopping time. Growing matured has its ultimate price and pretty sure there're a lot more decisions to be made  soon. So future, I'm expecting for the best and sure am preparing for the worst.
    High school life has been tremendously bitter-sweet or maybe an extra pinch of sour-tangy? So its a bitter-sweet-sour-tangy experience? I don't know, these things are for the individuals to rate. As for me, I have been dividing it into portions, of moments. I'm not looking forward to go down the memory lane either, so the goods are for the memories to be kept, the bads, well I learned and grew a lot from it so I couldn't be more appreciative of both. 11 years is a long time, that's how long I've been in school uniform and recently ended the contract to wear them via SPM. It is as well, a life-changing experience.
     I'm still in the atmosphere of asking myself, what's next? and still wondering, trying to re-evaluate things that got me thinking. Practically things like, how do I actually got here, blogging? I'm not a blogger and frankly speaking  I'm not looking forward to have collections of  followers, but for those who has been, and still are following, thank you. I write because I don't happen to have a diary to fit my whole life in. Writing is fun, expressing feelings makes everyone feels better so what's not to like about blogging right? *positive energies drawing in. I guess that's it for today, hopefully I will be keeping myself updated on writing pretty soon (a super-awesome-beneficial thing to spend my holiday with). Good day everyone :)

Reality check.

"Hi.
So what's happening right now is, my unstable emotion had won over me. In words of redundancy, that's exactly what's happening.

My big question is how do you deal with things that's hurting you in your deepest guts? My count of answer is, no you don't deal with it, you don't tell people about it (who would even wanna give a piece of mind, all they do is judge) and , don't even think of solving it. Let them eat you ALIVE. For all I know, the most awful thing created on mother earth is, heartless, senseless people who had promised you lies they can't fulfill."
- Anonymous

Oh hey, you're growing old.

Hello. What's up?
    So, I've been thinking of things that had been evolving silently around me. Things that I had never thought of happening. Things that gave me the lessons of life to keep me going strong, to support every each day that passes me by. And yes,  I'm still learning to accept it the way it is. The way God had stated is to be like.

   At some point of my life, I took my own time to contemplates about things that I've been going through for the pass 16 years, the age of my breathing. I know most people would recognize their contemplations in their very own ways. They would have their own moments to think about live, how had they painted them. Being pretty occupied with these painting job, did they ever try to turn and take a look at the picture they've came out with? how did the picture turns out to be? The word good or bad doesn't define your master piece. Its how you, yourself view it, is the matter that counts.

   Now, trekking down old memories sometimes put me in tears.There were joys too back then which are just priceless to forget. First I was 13,  trying to be the coolest. And then came 14, things get a little more exciting with boyfriends. Soon, came 15, I was struggling with PMR but managed to keep my balance with my inevitable social stuffs, after that 16, the happiest year to date as it was the most astounding, memorable and just too much too tell. I just love being 16, surrounded with the most awesome people, so yeah, back on track, I'm turning 17 in less than a month now. Its the perfect time to think back about what has been going on these past years. I had my favorite teachers, schoolmates, classmates, boyfriends, friends, best friends and now, cliques. I can't tell for how much these things had been affecting my life in a way, but it does. In fact, it had affected my whole life, playing its respective parts in shaping my life perfectly as it should be.

    For years, I've been wondering how growing matured would be like and now, I'm pretty much capable of capturing the essence of it. I've dealt with situations differently than I had, years ago. I've becoming wiser and I took charge of the decisions that I made. So these are the littlest things that I'm proud of. Never in whole life had I wanted to lose these precious moments, let alone erasing it from my thoughts. But for me, repeating it would not be an option. Its perfect the way it is and I wouldn't want to change even the darkest part of it for it had given me a life time lesson.

   Right now, I'm hoping for the best in life despite the fact that you wouldn't know or wouldn't wanna know how it'd perpetuates later on. My best advice is to appreciate whatever you had been granted with and make the best out of it.

Lyrics.

Hello. Okay first thing first, I miss blogging. Awww!
Its been more than a month ago I guess since my last posts and its already March 30th 2011. Great, another month is passing us by as we know it and for those who are still oblivious to this, you're welcome (its nothing, really. Just playing my part in reminding you guys). So yeah, a lot of things has been going on as usual and ouh, SPM, yeah that thing is currently invading my life and I'm umm well partially committing myself for the sake of it. That's right people, COMMITMENT. I don't usually deal well with commitment, which means that I don't commit myself to anything. But for this, my imminent future, yes. I mean, what other options do I have and so, commitment it is. Enough of that, I'll  have more rest next year. Probably one whole year which equals to ample of time for everything. So yeah, that sounds fair to me. Alright now,  I don't actually wish to write much about what's going on with my life, this month or whatsoever. I just want to share a song from Red Chelle Rae - Bleed. Its an awesome, awesome song, I love it so much, and here are the lyrics. Enjoy :D
 

 Red Chelle Rae - Bleed

I feel like I'm drowning in ice water
My lips have turned a shade of blue
I'm frozen with this fear
That you may disappear
Before I've given you the truth

I'll bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here (I'm dying here)
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I'll bleed my heart out just for you
I've always dreamed about this moment
And now it's here and I've turned to stone
I stand here petrified
As I look you in your eyes
My head is ready to explode

I'll bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I'll bleed my heart out just for you

And it's all here in
Black and white and red
For all the times
Those words were never said

I'll bleed my heart out on this paper for you
So you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here
'Cause I can't say what I want to
I'll bleed my heart out just for you

I'll bleed my heart out just for you.

Secret's Out!

Hello, weehee.

I gotta say, today is a bless for I've finally opened up to a friend about this thing I've kept to myself for way to long. And I meant wayy wayy to long. It wasn't that hard after all. Well, not really.

The 'incident' occurred when were talking and chit chatting while waiting (geesh, that somehow rhymes. In a not so familiar way) for our additional mathematics class. I somehow had that sudden urge to just open up to her, I don't know where that 'urge' really resurfaced from, it just did. Odd enough. So yeah, at first it was really really hard. I was laughing and giggling and shaking(shaking?) the whole time. I told her " Omg Tee, I'm soo scared. I've never told anyone just yet. Like ever." and she was like "Alah, bagitau jelah. You've been keeping this for too long." and then, I've decided to use the safest way which is... to let her guess. That works though, she somehow had suspected it for too long (shame on me, I was trying hard to conceal it from people) and I'm super glad that the thing I was uttering is indeed, understandable. Well, at least to her. For now, I've once again really really had learn my lesson. No matter how bad it is, you gotta have faith on your friend. I had mine and the time was perfect, I couldn't be more thankful. I gotta tell you, it feels soo good and looking back at these things later, you're gonna appreciate it more. I know I will :D

So my credits are reserves for you Tee, thanks for listening.

Prefect's Camp!

HELLO! HELLO! OMG! I just got back from the prefect punya camp and I'm immensely excited! wohhoo!
So okay, I'm gonna start elaborating the whole thing that I had encountered with at the camp.

Day 1,
We were given a talk on leadership skills. Yeah you heard me, LEADERSHIP, and as expected, it was a long hours of boredness. But then, without the talk, the prefect's camp would not meet its purpose. So yeah, looking at it now, rugi jugak if we missed out on the ceramah. Pretty glad I paid my full attention to the speaker. Then after the talk ended, we check-in our hostel. So we went, pasang cadar and stuffs, took our baths and gather at the dining hall to have our dinner, then we went for solat jemaah at the surau. That night, we gathered again at the dining hall and there were a little briefing on the schedule.


Day 2
We woke up at 4.30++am as we didn't want to berebut later with the girls to take our baths. And I'm pretty glad we woke up that early even though we slept really late the night before. After that, we went to the surau for subuh prayer. It was kinda funny to see the girls sleeping during the tazkirah pagi, I understand, it was tiring and the talk just couldn't get any longer. There was this morning exercise afterwards and  we went for breakfast. Soon, the first agenda of  the day started which is this talk about communication skills and other stuffs. We were introduced to 9 facilitators all from UMT and had some sort of games later on before the dudes went for the Friday prayer. The girls went back to respective dorms, and had a little rest. We gathered back at the hall for other activities that was scheduled for us and also had this game 'Kembara Pemimpin' which is the main highlight of the day. It was super awesome as I hardly had camps before and what had made the game much much more interesting is that there were this cute guy. Like Omg, comelnyaa! haha. So that night, we had our last agenda of the day,  the 'Malam Kebudayaan' thing. It was well, partially boring to be frank. It made us stayed up too late and we were super sleepy. Thank god it actually ended.


Day 3
Excited! we're going back home! wohoo! So once again as scheduled, we had this closing ceremony to ceremonise? everything. yeah. We had that thing and went for lunch. At lunch, Omg this cute guy was there with his friend. I was about to take my not-so-last bite of rice when the dudes came in. I'm like so excited that I asked my friend to take another piece of watermelon for me so that I could stay there longer. hehe *winks.
So as we were gossiping and almost flirting, the dude somehow macam perasan that we were eye-ing him all these while. I'm like malu gilaa  and was blushing like crazy, Aaaaa! :O Kitaorang went out instantly then out of nowhere, I've accidently bumped into his friend, like seriously bumped into his friend(should've been him *sigh -_-) He had a little laugh after that. That's when I suffered another embarrassment , haishh.

Everything went smooth, Alhamdulillah. I had my experiences in handling this and that as well as making new friends. Those days were pure exhaustion , but I sure had benefit a lot from it. Thanks to those who had been responsible in making this camp a success to me :D

Wasted efforts.

Hookayy, this is great. I miss expressing my emotional distressed. So, here we go.., hello :)

As always, there has been something pushing me, well inspires me to type. Back then, not too long ago, there was this one time where I had thought of typing and expressing something I've long kept in mind but something came up, and I've lost the interest to continue with that unfulfilled intention. So right now, I'm pretty glad that I have everything quite in place this time. Yeah..

Okay,
I'm not sure for how much  does this thing has to bother me, but it does and at times, it gave me this sense of realisation that I don't really have to do so. Simply because its worthless. In a way. Well, picture this, you've paid just too much of your precious efforts and time for the sake of contenting your inner self urge (if that's what you think it is) the thing you don't know is that you're putting yourself at this one point where the things that you do aren't specially done for your own goodness sake. Like, you "think" that you want to lose weight. You imagined yourself looking extra gorgeous, carrying less pounds within your body, and good news, you actually worked for it. But then the result isn't always what you pictured it'd be. You stopped, and you give up. But the actual truth behind the unappreciated efforts there is because someone told you to do so. They convinced you that you'd look better, but what do they know? You're miserable going after for that goal, because it was not for you, that you're doing it. It was because someone told you to. Someone who doesn't even care to accept you for who your are inside, they're ashamed to get closed to you, because of that unconcealed flaws of yours. It's vividly pointing out. Everything always falls to the demanding superficial. You see, that's when the word VAIN came into the picture. Why would you rather do things that would not benefit you in any which way you could ever imagined? At the end of the story, its not happiness that you would achieve, because you're not making yourself happy. Yes, its true, that a person could motivate you to change but is it the right person you get motivations from? Is it even the right motivations? Things like this kept on circling my inner thoughts. Even if the situations are not the same, the consequences are. I'm gonna put a halt to this topic now, Good night.

Contemplations.

Hey.
I'm currently in need of a little writing for something had driven me to this.
and worst,
I CANT sleep. ARGHH!

Hello people,
So yeah, that was quite an odd starter, for a strongly civilized people.
I've been thinking lately. Well actually, contemplates. On the scenarios that's precariously evolved around me. I might be stressed, but I can't be sure. Because sometimes, we're misjudged by the superficial. The actual thing is, I am tired. Tired of thinking on ways to shift my unneeded thoughts to something else, to please people everywhere and to search for the uncertainty. I'm just immensely exhausted. Would these things lead me somewhere? to a better path? because I am desperately in search of happiness which is of course, should be thoroughly understand and properly defined.

Good Night.

dee-cem-berr.

Well, its actually 'December' with the wrongest spelling. Good Morning and Hi.

Recently, I've posted something I've kept to myself for long and the result, MAJOR heartbreak. So this is a very good advice to spread. Don't keep these kind of things to yourself because if you're not strong enough, you could end up being very vulnerable, just like me. And if only you had shared it before with someone you trust, the fact would be different. I mean, it should hurt less since you have someone to confide in and the result, well LESS grieve stricken for sure. But that's a different story, what I really want to convey here is, for the moment, I'm glad to say that I've moved on. I'm not pretty sure about next year, but hey, time would heal things and I solely believe in that.

      So yeah, some lucky people had read the 'thing' I've posted, clearly weeks ago (probably had it removed by now). It was a very long writing, well the longest I've written so far I guess and what I've got to say is, thank you. For the feedback and advices. I must admit, that was by far, the strangest thing I did in my writings. Preferably, blog writings. Though there is nothing wrong about that, it somehow did sounds a little 'abusive'. Needless to say, it was the result of being in a massive heartbreak and for not trusting people to open up these things. I've learned valuable lessons in dealing with both, an unexpected heartbreak and trusting people with your problems and when I mentioned 'dealing' surely does meant that I've dealt with it. Well, remnants of it.

        Lets just leave that behind. In fact, lets just leave all of the bad things you've dealt with far far behind for you've learned and gained more once you've experienced it firsthand. Don't assume mistakes as a bad element that resurface in your life. Its there for a reason. A very valid reason.  It makes you a stronger person. A tough person who could render through the worst tornado. Cliche'? yeah, noticed that too. As cheesy as it sounds, you can't deny living facts. You go by its rules, you live by it.

        Alright now, 2010's coming to an end, there are a lot to look at , a lot to reminisce, a lot to treasure, a lot to keep and a lot to let go. I believe that we had rendered difficult journeys and beat the odds in our lives that are sometimes hard to decipher, translate and to understand but it transform us into a different person, day by day, experience by experience. We never know what will lies ahead, for a future had been written and stored for us.  

Good Luck, in dealing with the unexpected.

  

Be surprised, its already July-August-September-OCTOBER!

Hello,
Believe it or not, we're already in the midst of October .How time flies, lets just retrace the things that had happend in the past 3 months. Alright, so the final weeks July had been incredibly hectic for me. Apparently I got involved in activities that are, well, umm school based? I don't know if its not the pleasurous time to spend for others, but it is a heck of a fun for me. Since July marks its end for the extra co-curricular activities throughout the year 2010, there were joyous ceremonies held, according to its very own occasions. July 24th marks a remarkable history for SMKSS as his royal highness, the paramount ruler of the state pays a little visit. Sadly, I was not there to witness the whole ceremony since I have to attend my cousin's wedding reception, which is also the most awesome thing ever since there were hot dudes there (awww!). Back to the story, so in about a week after that, we had this drama thing going on and all of the form 4 students were involved. It was an undeniably awesome experience, I mean the whole preparations and practices did really paid off. Although we did not grab any spot for the place-ings, I'm greatly thankful as the whole drama turns out to be unexpectedly FUN! and ouh right now, we've past the fasting month, that's right, the holy month of Ramadhan and we've celebrated Hari Raya as well in Syawal of course. Regarding the Hari Raya celebration, we did'nt have much feasts, it was rather on the "OK" term as I labelled it. September had past, and since we're already in the midst of October, lets just render through it!

2nd semester of school break, yippie!

Heyho,
I have not been writing anything for the longest time and the excitement of it had been left dilapidated. Even if it's coiled around such absurdity, who cares aite? So yeah, things have been great for me these day, Alhamdulillah. I love how things, environment, people has been painting my life and I think I'm back on track. For starters, I have just completed my mid-term exam which is wonderful cos I don't have to think much about it, for now. I must say, the questions were rather hard, at least for a person a like me (I'm in the average group) and ouh, lets not put our predictions on the results, I'm so hoping for the best. Okay, put all of that aside now shall we, its school break! ohh yeah! Recently, I have been getting involved in lots of activities and one of it includes, 'Speech Choir'. However, don't get too excited laughing at me, cos I've actually been kicked out, *sigh -_- . Never mind that, I'm not so sure why I've joined it in the first place anyway (actually, its for the sake of the certificate). Yeah, I've never made it at the competition as a contestant, but I've made it there as a spectator. Frankly speaking, it was hard watching these people having fun putting their energy out there on stage, giving their 100%  in everything they've been working on and it pays off when they've managed to grab the first spot which had qualified them for sectionals (third place, tough competition). Apparently, I did gained some goods out of it, and the experience is simply priceless. I've decided to move on and not to put some sort of grudge over something silly, no offense. And ouh, totally totally forgot about my birthday. So yeah, it was one fine day on May 13, 2010 and it was the most awesome birthday celebration since forever. Well, looking at it, its pretty simple on how the celebration was, but the only thing that matters is that I'm celebrating it with my classmates! I mean, they're the one who've been planning the whole thing, the cupcakes, the 'flour warfare', surprises and I only got to know them in less that a year, woaw . I must say, for the past 3 years I've been in this school, this is like one of the things that will remain in my fondest memory and what makes the memory much more fun is the part where all of us were called to the disciplinary room for the whole 'flour warfare' thing since we're having it in the class. But then, my classmates did'nt want me to be there, at the disciplinary room cos they've told me that I was all 'innocent' and that the whole 'flour warfare' was their idea. Honestly, I feel bad for not going, but I am impressed on how they acted in this kind of situation and I can't thank them more :) Moving on, 2 weeks ago, I went to Kenyir Lake with my family members. My cousins, aunties, uncles everyone was there. It was great for its my first time to do such activity with my family. Alright, at first, we needed to board a boat to get to the 'Kelah sanctuary' where they preserves 'Kelah' fish. After that, we were told to go for a little jungle trekking where there were leaches in all shapes and sizes (I was bitten, once). Wehee. Then, after having our lunch, we went to the waterfall where the water were extremely cold and everything went great! it was totally awesome. We went home all tired and happy, wohoo! Okay so, I was in KL in a few days back, spent my cash on a brand new guitar and now I'm back in Terengganu, -_- sigh. I'm not quite sure on how to spend another week here with such boredem. Hangout maybe? I don't know. Let's just see to how far will this boredem lasts, think I'll stop now. Good Day :)